So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
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I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
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Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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