i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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