Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
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I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
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We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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