Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
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Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
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Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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