Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
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I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
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But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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