Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
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My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
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Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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