between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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