We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
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I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
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I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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