sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Couch. On fire.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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