i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
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I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
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I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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