You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
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My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
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How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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