My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
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I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
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What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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