I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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