you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
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He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
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His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So apparently I’m into choking now
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