The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
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Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
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Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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