I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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