my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
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Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
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You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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