Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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