walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
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in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
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I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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