tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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