I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
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He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
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I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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