i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
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Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
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He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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