I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
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just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
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I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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