Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
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All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
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First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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