My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
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Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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