I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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