I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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