please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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