So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize