I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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