Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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