Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize