I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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