I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize