Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
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I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
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When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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