sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
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I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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