Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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