so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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