Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
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