I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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