He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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