You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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