I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
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You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
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I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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