Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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