My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
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Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
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I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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