you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize