cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
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Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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