half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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