Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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