Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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